The Men of Saint Michael held a short-term study in February entitled, “God’s Uncommon Man.” One session’s opening question was, “What is the best piece of advice you learned from a parent or mentor and when have you applied that to your life?” One of the responses was, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” This quote is attributed to Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who spent his youth as a slave in Rome before gaining his freedom. His words still ring true today and are a timely reminder in a world where people espouse their views so quickly via social media without really thinking through the repercussions of what they’ve actually said. Instead, we need to listen first.
I am a work in progress. And more than anything, I must remain teachable: willing to sit, willing to listen, and willing to learn. And I am continually learning how to listen better, what may be one of the most difficult skills of all in relationships.
My wife and I have what seems like a never-ending dance. I will tell her something about a commitment I have or a social engagement and when I mention it again, she reacts like it’s the first time she’s heard it. She swears I never said anything before, and we both get flabbergasted with one another. She does the same thing to me and I’m just as guilty of not listening well or remembering. Let’s be honest: listening is hard and it takes a lot of effort and energy!
Being a good listener means you are completely engaged with and attuned to the person who is speaking to you, taking in their words while also listening to their tone and their non-verbal communication. Great listeners stand out because they possess certain habits and skills that foster deeper understanding and stronger connections.
I love the Progressive commercials about always having a back-up plan, starring NFL backup quarterbacks. My favorite has a young lady who needs relationship advice, but her go-to friend isn’t exactly all ears, focusing more on scrolling through her phone and only offering a cursory uh-huh. Out of options, she calls in professional back-up listener: NFL quarterback Teddy Bridgewater, who with empathy and wisdom steps in to offer heartfelt advice on love and commitment.
Let’s be like Teddy and love those close to us by listening well. But let’s not be a backup, let’s be the starter, the first person our spouse and children turn to because we love well by listening well.
Here are some of these key traits to listening well that build a healthier marriage and better relationship with my kids:
- Focus: Give the person speaking your full attention without interruption. Put down the phone or iPad. Turn off the TV and make sure you face the person talking.
- Slow down: In most conversations, men rush to respond, often formatting a solution before the other person has even finished talking. But truly listening means allowing space for reflection and absorption first.
- Curiosity: It can be tempting to jump into problem-solving (we’re great at that, right!) or even disagreement mode, but that often shuts down conversations. Instead, be genuinely interested and curious to learn more. Ask questions to gain more understanding and to clarify what you’re hearing.
- Empathy: Make sure you recognize and respond to the speaker’s emotions, especially when you don’t agree. The other person should always feel validated of their feelings and free to speak their mind. Consider how the other person feels or what they need. Offer them validation and empathy for their situation or feelings.
- Nonverbals: Listen beyond the words, especially during difficult or vulnerable discussions, because some things may be left unsaid. People don’t always say what they mean; sometimes, they’ll show you by using body language like tensing up, nodding, looking pensive, or by avoiding eye contact.
- Self-Awareness: Managing your own reactions and biases to stay open and mindful. There may be times when conversations become heated and combative, and in those moments, it’s important to self-regulate. If so, take a deep breath or take a break. It’s OK to ask for some time to think about what’s been said. Be sure to confirm when you’ll circle back to the conversation.
- Learn: Approach every conversation as a chance to learn. Whether it’s your spouse, your child, a close friend, a colleague, or even a stranger, treat each conversation as an opportunity to learn something about the other person, yourself, or the world.”
Listening well isn’t just polite; it’s a sign of love. When we really listen to our loved ones, we build trust, foster deeper connections, and reduce the chance of future misunderstandings. When the other person feels heard and understood, this leads to increased connection and a willingness to share more in the future. Make a commitment to listen well.